I have read many articles on what
to expect after divorce especially when it comes to friends, but still none of
them could have prepared me for the Indian family reaction. Also because most of those articles were written by non-Indians, and we know we are a different breed/species in itself.
To provide a simple background, mine was
not an abusive marriage, and my ex-husband is actually a gem of a person. So it
was a rather difficult decision to make as we were simply not compatible. Now how
do you explain this to an Indian society? Compatibility? What is that? What am I
even talking about right? He’s a nice guy, doesn't hit me, nor abuses me. He doesn't
even cheat on me and my in-laws are lovely people. What on earth could drive me
away? Well, I’m not answering that. All I’ll say is, we are not compatible and
rest is between me and him.
But this write-up is not about the
why, it’s more about what followed.
Surprise #1 - PARENTS
My parents were extremely
supportive and understanding. To the point that their reaction was more in the
lines of “well, we won’t force you to live with someone you don’t want to.” Surprising
isn’t it? Well, way to go parents!
Parents are the backbone of any
child, irrespective of the childs age. For me, they were not only my backbone,
but also my rock.
Surprise #2 – SIBLINGS
The one place where you think you
will be supported, considering all the shit you’ve done with your siblings, well, they made me feel the most judged.
Instead of saying anything in the
lines of “its OK” and “as long as you are happy”, they had to clarify their
stand first. So what I heard first was “we really like him, so we’ll maintain
our relation. Just want to clarify that.”
Well, by all means please do. Just
don’t let that be the first sentence. Know what I mean? There’s something
called family loyalty. For the first time, I actually envied my ex’s cousins
and siblings. They stood by him first, and then (only after permission from my
ex) did they approach me with a different relationship – let’s be friends, not
in-laws J
Some extended the loyalty to him
by stating clearly, and I so sincerely appreciate their matured gesture, that
they cannot be friends with me given the circumstance. Having said that, they
wish me nothing but happiness. Kudos to them. And respect. I wish I had someone
like that on my side too.
Surprise #3 – COUSINS
Have you ever parted friends with
your ex? No one makes this more difficult to fathom than judgmental cousins. So
I parted friends with my ex. He was my friend on Facebook, and I would even
meet him occasionally. This was public knowledge.
The only people who make this
more awkward for you are your own cousins, who are the same age group too with
the same level of education/awareness as you.
Just cause I parted friends with
him, does not mean I have to keep him in the close friends circle that
comprises mainly of cousins and their spouses. I was practically forced to
remove him from my FB to make this clear to them. Yes, we are still friends. No,
he is not part of my family anymore. There’s a difference.
Oh, and brace yourselves, you may
also be ignored and/or cut out from some circles. Cause they aren’t sure if you
are approachable of not. This can range from anything between not being invited
to their celebrations, to not exchanging a sentence that goes beyond a “hi.” These
are the ones you really want to stay away from no matter how much fun you used
to have before.
Remember that cousin for whom you
were there when they were going through shit? Don’t expect them to even call
you or drop you a line. Just cause you were there for them, it doesn’t mean they’ll
be there for you.
And remember that cousin who you
thought is the most judgmental of them all? Well, don’t be surprised if they
are the ones who come forward first either.
Also, some cousins, like friends,
just want to know the gossip. They’ll ask questions, say they are sorry, but that’s
it. It’s bye-bye after that.
Surprise #4 – RELATIVES
The parents of all the above said
cousins end up being a lot nicer and supportive. Now that was a pleasant
surprise in itself. Instead of giving you the “oh what happened” they simply assure
you with words like “you are still the daughter of this family, and loved
irrespective of your marital status.” They, very sweetly, will say shit happens
and encourage you to move on. Encourage being the key word here.
Of course, like any family, there
are always exceptions.
The non-surprising part is the
one played by friends. Some leave whilst some stay. It’s part of life and
acceptance. As much as it hurts when friends leave, and some are irreplaceable,
there’s always that one true friend who’ll still be around.
So, if you are planning on
getting divorced or are already, and feel like you are alone, here’s my 2 cents
worth. Turn to no one for support and you’ll find it within yourself. Trust me
when I say this, no one’s kind words will change anything how you feel. That emptiness
is temporary. Keep yourself busy. Go out. Socialize and meet new people (not
indicating dating). Make new friends, and don't be ashamed of letting them know that you are divorced. Use all that spare time to make something of yourself. Whatever
happens, don’t allow yourself to sulk. Like its taboo or forbidden to sulk.
And, if at all possible, go for a
nice vacation. Do everything you couldn’t cause you were married. In my case, I
got a little pug puppy to shower all my love and attention on. Consider this a
new start, and make the most of it.
It is said that in your most
difficult times you know who is really there for you. Recognize these people. Appreciate
their efforts, and most of all, forgive those who have ignored you or let you
down. It’s not their fault, but remember, it’s not yours either. It’s just a
difference in opinion, a difference in understanding, and at times, it’s just something
they haven’t faced so give them the benefit of doubt.
Just move on. You owe your
happiness to no one. You owe your sanity to no one. And you are in no way
obliged to live your life by anyone’s standards but your own.
Always remember, society is by
us, we are not be society. The norms are set by people, as human as you and me.
No higher power set the so-called rules.
And if you feel like there’s no
one to turn to, drop me a line. You’ll always find friends in the most
unexpected places sometimes. I know I did :)
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