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The post-divorce syndrome for Indians

I have read many articles on what to expect after divorce especially when it comes to friends, but still none of them could have prepared me for the Indian family reaction. Also because most of those articles were written by non-Indians, and we know we are a different breed/species in itself. 

To provide a simple background, mine was not an abusive marriage, and my ex-husband is actually a gem of a person. So it was a rather difficult decision to make as we were simply not compatible. Now how do you explain this to an Indian society? Compatibility? What is that? What am I even talking about right? He’s a nice guy, doesn't hit me, nor abuses me. He doesn't even cheat on me and my in-laws are lovely people. What on earth could drive me away? Well, I’m not answering that. All I’ll say is, we are not compatible and rest is between me and him.

But this write-up is not about the why, it’s more about what followed.

Surprise #1 - PARENTS
My parents were extremely supportive and understanding. To the point that their reaction was more in the lines of “well, we won’t force you to live with someone you don’t want to.” Surprising isn’t it? Well, way to go parents!

Parents are the backbone of any child, irrespective of the childs age. For me, they were not only my backbone, but also my rock.

Surprise #2 – SIBLINGS
The one place where you think you will be supported, considering all the shit you’ve done with your siblings, well, they made me feel the most judged.

Instead of saying anything in the lines of “its OK” and “as long as you are happy”, they had to clarify their stand first. So what I heard first was “we really like him, so we’ll maintain our relation. Just want to clarify that.”

Well, by all means please do. Just don’t let that be the first sentence. Know what I mean? There’s something called family loyalty. For the first time, I actually envied my ex’s cousins and siblings. They stood by him first, and then (only after permission from my ex) did they approach me with a different relationship – let’s be friends, not in-laws J

Some extended the loyalty to him by stating clearly, and I so sincerely appreciate their matured gesture, that they cannot be friends with me given the circumstance. Having said that, they wish me nothing but happiness. Kudos to them. And respect. I wish I had someone like that on my side too.

Surprise #3 – COUSINS
Have you ever parted friends with your ex? No one makes this more difficult to fathom than judgmental cousins. So I parted friends with my ex. He was my friend on Facebook, and I would even meet him occasionally. This was public knowledge.

The only people who make this more awkward for you are your own cousins, who are the same age group too with the same level of education/awareness as you.

Just cause I parted friends with him, does not mean I have to keep him in the close friends circle that comprises mainly of cousins and their spouses. I was practically forced to remove him from my FB to make this clear to them. Yes, we are still friends. No, he is not part of my family anymore. There’s a difference.

Oh, and brace yourselves, you may also be ignored and/or cut out from some circles. Cause they aren’t sure if you are approachable of not. This can range from anything between not being invited to their celebrations, to not exchanging a sentence that goes beyond a “hi.” These are the ones you really want to stay away from no matter how much fun you used to have before.

Remember that cousin for whom you were there when they were going through shit? Don’t expect them to even call you or drop you a line. Just cause you were there for them, it doesn’t mean they’ll be there for you.

And remember that cousin who you thought is the most judgmental of them all? Well, don’t be surprised if they are the ones who come forward first either.

Also, some cousins, like friends, just want to know the gossip. They’ll ask questions, say they are sorry, but that’s it. It’s bye-bye after that.

Surprise #4 – RELATIVES
The parents of all the above said cousins end up being a lot nicer and supportive. Now that was a pleasant surprise in itself. Instead of giving you the “oh what happened” they simply assure you with words like “you are still the daughter of this family, and loved irrespective of your marital status.” They, very sweetly, will say shit happens and encourage you to move on. Encourage being the key word here.

Of course, like any family, there are always exceptions.

The non-surprising part is the one played by friends. Some leave whilst some stay. It’s part of life and acceptance. As much as it hurts when friends leave, and some are irreplaceable, there’s always that one true friend who’ll still be around.

So, if you are planning on getting divorced or are already, and feel like you are alone, here’s my 2 cents worth. Turn to no one for support and you’ll find it within yourself. Trust me when I say this, no one’s kind words will change anything how you feel. That emptiness is temporary. Keep yourself busy. Go out. Socialize and meet new people (not indicating dating). Make new friends, and don't be ashamed of letting them know that you are divorced. Use all that spare time to make something of yourself. Whatever happens, don’t allow yourself to sulk. Like its taboo or forbidden to sulk.

And, if at all possible, go for a nice vacation. Do everything you couldn’t cause you were married. In my case, I got a little pug puppy to shower all my love and attention on. Consider this a new start, and make the most of it.

It is said that in your most difficult times you know who is really there for you. Recognize these people. Appreciate their efforts, and most of all, forgive those who have ignored you or let you down. It’s not their fault, but remember, it’s not yours either. It’s just a difference in opinion, a difference in understanding, and at times, it’s just something they haven’t faced so give them the benefit of doubt.

Just move on. You owe your happiness to no one. You owe your sanity to no one. And you are in no way obliged to live your life by anyone’s standards but your own.

Always remember, society is by us, we are not be society. The norms are set by people, as human as you and me. No higher power set the so-called rules.

And if you feel like there’s no one to turn to, drop me a line. You’ll always find friends in the most unexpected places sometimes. I know I did :)

Good luck with your decision. Stay strong. 

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